Flamingo Jail Break

November 19, 2008. Des Moines, Iowa.

Flamingo busts out of the Blank Park Zoo. Fortunately, it was quickly recaptured.

Kamikaze Deer

November 29, 2008. Markle, Indiana.

Five deer jumped off an overpass onto I-69, "one of them crashing through a tractor-trailer's windshield." Holy cow.

Siberian Chipmunk Hordes Besiege Paris

October 20, 2008. Paris, France

"tens of thousands" ... "ticks" ... "Lyme disease" ...

We've been focusing too much on squirrels lately. Can't forget to give chipmunks their due.

Three Hurt In School Squirreling

May 10, 2007. San Jose, California

"A child and two adults were hurt when a squirrel went nuts and attacked them after wandering into a San Jose elementary school classroom."

'Went nuts' -- get it? Ha ha ha, that's really funny ... NOT. I'll tell you what's funny: they tried to use humane traps to catch the little varmint. Mofo draws blood, and they're worried about hurting it?

Catfight Causes Rollover

October 14, 2008. DeBeque, Colorado

No, not that kind of a catfight. Two cats riding in a woman's lap started fighting, causing her to roll her SUV. Ominously, "The cats have not been seen since the crash." Expect a sequel.

Poor, Poor Pitiful Me

... these young squirrels won't let me be
Lord have mercy on me
whoah, woe is me

Well, I heard a squirrel in my garage
I ain't naming names
She really worked me over good
She was just like Jesse James
She really worked me over good
She was a real trap burglar
She went through all my crackers, Lord
and ate up my peanut butter

Closer To Home

October 10, 2008. Westminster, Colorado.

Apparently a squirrel has decided to take up residence in our attic. We hear it scurrying around in the mornings. At first I thought it was running across the roof; then I took a look up there and saw it half hanging out of one of our attic vents.

Now we like to think we're generous with our hospitality, but if you don't use the facilities, and your species has a predilection towards gnawing on electrical wires, and you don't pay rent, you can't stay with us.

I set a trap yesterday; apparently Home Depot sells them. (Who knew?) Well, the little mofo came down, swiped the crackers and peanut butter, triggered the trap and got away. Today it grabbed the bait again, this time without even triggering the trap. I guess I'll have to be persistent.

Dolphin Jumps On Woman

October 9, 2008. New Smyrna Beach, Florida

Some other tidbits: apparently New Smyrna Beach is the "shark attack capital of the world". And there is a gator attack incident database online here.

Cougar Masquerades As Housecat

September 30, 2008. Casper, Wyoming.

911 call from a woman complaining of a "bothersome 'big cat'". Officer dispatched, thinking it's a house cat. Hilarity ensues.

Raccoon Raids Federal Courthouse

August 25, 2008. Atlanta, Georgia

What's impressive is that the coon made it up to the 14th floor (or possibly the 23rd, if you believe that story about the dried soup packet).

Swooping Magpies

Adelaide, Australia

Mike also sends in this link with a picture of a sign in an Adelaide Park warning of swooping magpies.

This page from the New South Wales government has a few tips on dealing with magpie swoops.

The most useful hostile magpie site I've been able to find has a detailed breakdown of magpie injuries. There were 59 reported attacks causing injuries requiring medical treatment, including two concussions.

That site helpfully links to a cautionary children's cartoon on magpie attacks.

I did investigate that statistics site to see if they had other interesting reports, like injuries from kangaroos, or koalas, or gliding possums. No dice; maybe I'll try again some other day.

Cows Developing Sixth-Sense Navigation System

My friend Mike pointed me to this story, where a pair of scientists from Universität Duisburg-Essen found that in general, when cattle stood in a field, "60 percent to 70 percent of cattle were oriented north-south". This is corroborated by a random Wisconsin farmer.

Interesting, although it's not clear what's going on.

I see a couple of possibilities here.

1. This is a form of cow psyops, and they're faking it. Think about it: you're a cow; how do you fight the humans? You could bull-rush and gore a farmer somewhere -- great, but the rest of your herd gets mown down by bullets within the hour. Maybe your best chance is to try to give mankind mad cow disease, but for that you have to eat other cows; not a pretty sight. Maybe your best bet is to affect some odd behavioral patterns and distract the human scientists.

2. This is real; cows really can detect and act on magnetic fields, for some unknown but presumably nefarious purpose. That figure of 60-70% is interesting; high enough to prove non-random behavior, but low enough not to be suspicious to casual observers.

By the way, check out the zoology department at the Universität Duisburg-Essen. Looks like everyone there is into studying Zambian mole-rats (which apparently have their own subterranean magnetic-field homing capability). Not sure why they are such a popular research topic ... hopefully we won't have an onslaught of Zambian mole-rat posts in the future.

Rabid Bats

Looks like I will have to add rabid bat attacks to the list of incidents too frequent to mention.

The past two weeks alone, there have been rabid bat attacks in Illinois, New York, North Carolina, South Carolina, Utah, and rabid bats found in California, Colorado, Connecticut, Missouri, Ohio, and Virginia. All according to a quick Google search; there may have been more.

Here's a chilling story about vampire bats taking it to a tribe of Indians in Venezuela on the Orinoco Delta.

On a side note, my search for rabid+bat turned up a surprising number of baseball stories.

Chickens Storm Town

August 16, 2008. Weirton, West Virginia

The human side took casualties: "an animal control officer was pecked".

"Harris said there were only about 10 to 15 wild chickens a couple of decades ago. Now, he says there are as many as 100 chickens roaming the neighborhood."

That's a shocking increase in only twenty years; exponential growth at work. Now if only mankind had more experience in killing and disposing of chickens. Hopefully they can figure this one out.

Cougars and Numbnuts

We might as well round up the dregs of the recent mountain lion news stories.

August 7, 2008. Orange County, California Man walks into a convenience store, streaming blood down his arm. His story: he saw a mountain lion and three cubs, and tried to pet one of the cubs.

August 6, 2008. Medina, Ohio (no, really). Man claims to have been bitten by a "30 to 40 pound" mountain lion. Ok.

July 18, 2008. Palo Alto, California. Man claims to have been attacked by a mountain lion, but police think it was a dog.

Cougar!

Quite a few mountain lion encounters recently. Fortunately, humans have generally had the upper hand.

August 9, 2008. Townsend Montana. Mountain lion crashes through a window into a house. End result: man shoots lion.

August 7, 2008. New Castle, Colorado. Couple sees a mountain lion while walking. End result: man shoots lion.

August 7, 2008. Casper, Wyoming. Mountain lion seen in a family's back yard. End result: man shoots lion with tranquilizer darts; lion escapes.

August 5, 2008. Hot Springs, South Dakota. Man sees a mountain lion while getting into his pickup truck. End result: man shoots lion.

Mountain Lion Demonstration Killings

August 6, 2008. Jefferson County, Colorado.
August 5, 2008. Boulder, Colorado


In the first case, a mountain lion entered a house, killed a 72-pound sleeping dog, and dragged it outside. In the second, a mountain lion killed a deer in a man's driveway.

I can only surmise that the beasts are trying to make some sort of statement with these very public killings.

Bed Bugs Infiltrate Police Squad Cars

New Rochelle, NY. July 16, 2008.

"To our knowledge we have the problem under control" ... sure, like we've never heard that one before. Always reassures me.

Closer to home, bed bugs have invaded Boulder public housing. A scan of Google News shows bed bug outbreaks occurring every day. We'll have to add those to the list of incidents too frequent to remark upon, along with squirrel-related power outages and rabid fox attacks.

Speaking of rabid fox attacks, a single "mangy looking" fox (ed. note: really?) injured four people in New Hampshire a few hours ago.

Bees Mob the New Jersey Turnpike

Cherry Hill, New Jersey. July 19, 2008

Rabid Foxes Dole Out Attacks

All over the U.S.; every day.

Looks like there's a rabid fox attack or two every day in this country. It's weird that it's so regular. Here's an attack on a police officer that was caught on taser-cam.

Bear Busts Into Circuit City

Denver, Colorado. July 15, 2008

The bear set off an alarm at Fazoli's, then went through a window at Circuit City.

The author of that article seems to think this is all one big joke. I wonder what the bear was after.

Lion On The Loose - Impersonates Dog

Colorado Springs, Colorado. July 14, 2008

"However, just after 3 p.m., authorities called off the search for the lion, and a couple living in the area says they have a very big dog that's been missing all day."

Great, so the lion ate the very big dog and is now impersonating it. I feel comforted.

Hippo Gains Taste For Human Flesh

Denver, Colorado. July 14, 2008

Dogs Rewarded For Loyalty

Beijing. July 11, 2008

"Dog meat off the menu during Beijing Olympics."

Rodent Control Operation Ends In Explosion

Denver, Colorado. July 9, 2008

The official explanation is somewhat benign, if you believe it. A snafu on a combat operation should always invite suspicion of the opposition.

Attempted Tick Hijacking

Des Moines, Iowa. Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Three ticks were found in a United Airlines plane from Denver to Des Moines, delaying the flight by six hours.

Here's one of those back-of-the envelope questions that technical interviewer seem to love. If three ticks can delay a flight by six hours, what could the entire tick population in the continental U.S. do to our air traffic system?

Squirrel Power Outages

It's worse than we thought.

"In Georgia, squirrel-related outages more than tripled from 5,273 in 2005 to 16,750 in 2006."

Not only are those numbers shocking (so to speak), but the rate of increase is ominous.

Of special note: "Hundreds of gallons of raw sewage poured into Mobile Bay in Alabama after a squirrel cut power to a sewage lift station there."

That must have been one nasty squirrel.

Getting back to the numbers -- isn't it interesting that Georgia Power knows the exact number of squirrel-related outages? So obviously that information must be going into a database somewhere.

$ select count(*) from INCIDENTS where YEAR=2005 and ANIMAL='squirrel'
$ 5273

If that's the case, I would love someone to run this query:

$ select distinct ANIMAL from INCIDENTS

Animal Communications Graph

It might be useful to analyze our reports so far, to determine which animals can talk to which.

So far, we have the following connections:

Giraffes - camels - zebras - llamas - potbellied pigs
cats - snakes
(tentative) skunks - coyotes

I'll update this as more reports come in.

Giraffe Organizes Jail Break

Amsterdam. June 30, 2008

"15 camels, two zebras and an undetermined number of llamas and potbellied swine briefly escaped from a traveling Dutch circus after a giraffe kicked a hole in their cage."

Of note: once again, dogs sided with the humans. Good to know.

Article claims that all the animals were recaptured, but if they don't know how many llamas and potbellied swine escaped, how can they be sure they got them all?

Foxes Stealing Boulder Shoes

Boulder, Colorado. June 26, 2008.

"The mother fox and her cubs have been skipping from porch to porch, picking up shoes and gloves and dropping them in different yards."

Rat Snakes Infiltrate UPS

Roy, Utah. June 25, 2008

Woman opens a package and finds two stowaway black rat snakes along with her merchandise.

"Her cat took great interest." Second post of the day about a cat being 'interested' in snakes. Curious.

Article also notes that the woman called 911, asking for the National Guard. Sounds extreme. The situation might have been more serious than the story lets on.

Cat - Snake Conspiracy?

Snyder, Colorado. June 27, 2008

Not quite sure how this fits in, but it is certainly suspicious.

To summarize: snake crawls up on a fence. Cat investigates. Back-and-forth between the cat and the squirrel. Cat and snake both leave at the same time.

Obviously, some sort of communication is going on between the two, but of what significance? Pay no attention to the numbnut commentators who call the story pointless; ignore these things and next thing you know your cat is tipping over the kerosene lantern as you sleep. Idiots.

Oh, just one more thing. The URL for the link is http://www.9news.com/news/watercooler/article.aspx? storyid=94603&catid=337. Catch that at the end? catid=337. So they have assigned id's to suspicious cats, and and over three hundred of them at that. Interesting.

Why They Hate Us

Drove into work Thursday. In a three mile stretch of highway, I counted the carcasses of one rabbit, four prairie dogs, and one fox.

Hearts and minds, people. Hearts and minds.

Muskrat Breaches Levee

Winfield, Missouri. June 27, 2008

"The furry rodent dug a hole through the earthen levee in this eastern Missouri community, allowing water to penetrate the floodwall, which failed shortly before dawn."

"With all the guns in this county, couldn't we kill a muskrat?"

Ummm, no offense, but the Army spokesperson was from the Corps of Engineers. Not a real Army corps, and not a combat organization. Missouri should have made like its northern neighbor and deployed automatic weaponry.

Iowa Hogs Attempt To Sabotage Levee

Burlington, Iowa. June 19, 2008

Fifteen hogs escaped from several "large hog confinement facilities" and tried to tear down a levee on the swollen Cedar River before being shot by sheriff's deputies.

Ok, so score one for our side. The flooding in Iowa is no joke, and these hogs could have caused significant damage. This should give us all pause.

I'm not getting complacent. There were a few troubling items in the article. "Confinement facility" -- meaning a prison? So these hogs are dangerous enough that they need to be jailed (albeit apparently at insecure facilities). Secondly, the deputies were equipped with AR-15 semiautomatic rifles. That's a lot of firepower to bring down fifteen pigs. You'd think a local farmer or two could handle them, but apparently the sheriff's department and the National Guard needed to get involved.

Just what is going on with the hogs in Iowa?

Rabid Bats Heading To Boulder County

Boulder, Colorado; June 6, 2008

I'd be ready for some sort of bat-skunk-coyote Axis of Rabies.

Rabid Skunks Invading the Front Range

Denver, Colorado; May 29, 2008

Rabid skunks "may be circulating in eastern areas of the state and potentially moving west toward the Front Range." Article goes on to state that there have been eight confirmed cases of rabies: seven skunks and one coyote.

Not clear what the deal with the coyote is: a skunk wannabe? Or their leader?

Squirrel Causes Blackout

Lafayette, Colorado; June 12, 2008

Squirrel breaks into a fuse box, knocking out power to sixty homes and shutting off the traffic lights at Arapahoe and US 287. Not sure, but I'm assuming the intent was to cause an accident. Or maybe that was a diversion while other squirrels raised some mayhem in one of those sixty homes.

Curious wording in the article:

"The outage was caused by a squirrel that got into a fuse box, and lasted from 6:48 a.m. until 8:24 a.m."

The squirrel lasted from 6:48 until 8:24? I took that to mean that the squirrel got fried at 8:24, but Brodi envisioned a police standoff with the squirrel holding out until then, dodging bullets and yelling at the coppers to come and get him. We need clarification.

Deer Attacking Boulder Residents

Boulder Colorado; June 25, 2008

Supposedly it's just a matter of does protecting their fawns, but I'd be on my toes. Of note: the deer are also going after dogs, those traitors.

Also note that this happened one day after a deer was seen collaborating with the bear that ambushed the cyclist. The deer may be getting restless.

Cat Sets Fire To House

Bangor Maine; October 10, 2007

Cat tips over a kerosense lantern at 3:30am and burns the house down. Of note, the family was saved by the dog. A traitor to the cause, perhaps?

Chillingly, the cat was only singed by the flames. Article says that currently, "the family is staying in Greenville with a family friend."My recommendation to the family friend: let the cat sleep outside.

Bear Ambushes Cyclist

Boulder, Colorado; June 24, 2008

Bear crossing Old Stage Road outside of Boulder collides with bicyclist, cracking the latter's ribs.

A few curious points:

1. The cyclist's companion noted that they saw the bear "from a distance", yet they apparently felt no need to slow down or otherwise use caution . . . so all the animals have to do is stand in the road and let us run into them ? . . . yikes, let's not make it easy on them.

2. After the collision, a deer came onto the scene, and was promptly chased off by the bear. I presume the deer was some sort of trainee; the bear chased it off because it was not supposed to be seen? Hard to say.

Final words (from the cylist): "I wanted people to know to watch out for bears". You've been warned.

Gerbil Crushes Two People's Legs

Springville, Utah, June 18 2008.

Pet gerbil escapes from its cage while en route; driver tried to catch the gerbil, and lost control, causing a chain accident. Two people injured.

Ominous ending to the article: "The gerbil was not injured." I worry we may be hearing from this gerbil again.

Welcome

When I was nine years old, I read a condensed version of The Birds. Scared the living heck out of me for weeks.

Good theme for a book, though, animals ganging up on humans. I always thought it would be great fun to write another book in the same vein, but with a less obvious animal adversary, such as cows or squirrels.

Growing older, I became more complacent about mankind's superiority over beast and fowl. And yet, a while back, my friend Brodi and I started exchanging links to articles about various animal-induced mayhem. It was funny for a while, but the frequency of such stories soon became unnerving. With this blog I want to collate such reports of animals taking the fight to the humans. Isolated incidents, or patterns in something larger?

The stories you are about to be linked to are all true.